Forgot I had this thing

I was not prepared for how much structure I would need in order to live my life.  

Let me back up. 

In just over a month, I'll be 40 years old.  And while I have the job I've always wanted, there are areas of my life that let's just say aren't as up to par.  Finances, for one.  But for the purposes of this newly-rediscovered blog, I'll just stick to two areas.  

1. Getting past my phone addiction
2. Getting healthier (I'm combining physical fitness and nutrition into this one)

The second item is a lifelong struggle I'll likely never completely resolve.  The first item is more recent.  Last Sunday, I actually read the "Digital Wellbeing" report that my Galaxy S21+ gives me.  My average screen time for the week was 5 hours 38 minutes per day.  For the first time, I really tried to be mindful of what that report meant.  A lot of things I've been reading and thinking coalesced into a desire to, at first do a digital detox, and then morphed into a desire to completely reshape my relationship with technology - specifically my smartphone.  

So many things rushed into my mind.  During the pandemic, I started drawing again.  I could be doing more of that and improving my skills.  Also during the pandemic, I started reading more than I have in years.  I could do even more.  I could simply get more sleep; I could have friends over for dinner and cook for them; I could really take a shot at hiking like I've been wanting; hell, I could just not lay around the house on weekends feeling mentally exhausted.  And I'm writing, I suppose, not only because I remember Doogie Howser, MD, but also because I want to remember the thoughts and ideas I have on this journey.  Remembering thoughts and ideas is something which constant smartphone use has definitely dulled my abilities.

I guess all this started to coalesce in the last few years, if I really stop and think about it.  And what started it mostly was books.  I started reading about Stoicism, specifically with The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and also How to Be a Stoic by Massimo Pigliucci.  Those books began to give me the ideas about what you can and cannot control as well as a general outlook on life that is one of reflection and improvement.  Then there are books about fatness -- a community of which I am most definitely a member.  The Elephant in the Room by Tommy Tomlinson was and is something I re-read once a year or so.  In terms of personal experience, I've never related to an author's experience more.  He likens the battle to lose weight like wrestling with an angry hog.  He's not far off.  Although, in my case, it's something more nimble and subtle.  Next are Aubrey Gordon's books What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat and You Just Need to Lose Weight.  Dispelling myths about losing weight and learning about the dynamics of fat shaming/fat acceptance in our culture has been enlightening, although the books themselves are more like collections of essays than one continuous theme.  

Now, we really get to the structure theme.  Last summer, I started reading self help/self improvement books.  I started with Atomic Habits by James Clear.  At first I borrowed it from the library, but a few chapters in, I knew this was going to be like The Elephant in the Room in that I would have to keep coming back to it, so I bought it.  Then there was Deep Work by Cal Newport.  Not quite meant for someone in my situation, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.  (Hey - follow me on the GoodReads app!) Getting closer to today, I had Googled something along the lines of how to use your phone less, or about a digital detox.  And Catherine Price's How to Break Up With Your Phone came up.  The local Barnes & Noble had it, and I picked it up.  It was while reading this, ironically, that the Digital Wellbeing notification came up and gave me my grotesque screen time.  (In the interim, Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport has shown up at my door.)

So, here I am.  About 36 hours later after the Digital Wellbeing report.  Day 1 of being mindful of this whole kit and kaboodle.  Thus far, I have changed my phone color mode from "vivid" to "normal" and turned off animations to make the damn thing look less like a slot machine.  I also gave myself a goal of having less than 4 hours of screen time a day, which I achieved on my first day.  However, I'm writing this on my desktop computer.  Not sure if this counts or not.  Still have to write my own rules.  

(Side note - tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym for the first time in a month.  I stopped when I hurt my back over February break.  Still not completely feeling 100%, but fuck it. Enough is enough.)

I've already run into a few snags with the program in How to Break Up With Your Phone.  Some of the apps she recommends are no longer on the Google Play store.  But I think I'm going to take this slowly.  Finish the book before I start the program.  Modify the program into something more personalized.  

First and foremost (as I start my penultimate paragraph) I need to think about what my goals are.  "Using my phone less" isn't specific enough or concrete enough.  I do know this, however: if I use my phone a lot at work, I'm not focused there.  If I use it at home, I'm depriving myself of things that make me feel better: getting enough sleep; having a clean house; drawing; hiking; reading; having people over.  That's what I will focus on.  Perhaps I've found that the phone is the root cause of what I wanted to address anyway.  I used to think that everything stemmed from not getting enough sleep.  But why was I not getting enough sleep? Why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

Now it's time to take not only all this information, but all of these goals and synthesize it into some grand unifying theory about myself.  Imagine all the things I could do with an extra 5 hours a day.  This blog will be a documentation of that journey.  Hopefully some people will read it and add to the accountability factor.  Here we go.